Do you ever just feel down in the dumps?
Does something just trigger that inner feeling where you DO end up getting pretty low?
Yeah well, unfortunately I’ve been having a few of those. Tonight is one of those nights.
I find that in my past relationship, especially after the trust factor fell apart (that’s another story) is when I really started to feel insecure about myself. It was one thing to be snapped into reality when the one person you THOUGHT you could trust goes behind your back and break that barrier. But it’s another thing to realize that there are just other people out there that are more attractive/better.
I never could find that confidence in myself that I knew some of my friends have. There was a point in time where everything in my head was perfect, but all it took was one thing for it to click in my head and by that point, my mood was shot. It got bad. I was constantly told I was the “one”, where I was “perfect” or that we would be “forever”. It worked and helped, but for only for so long. There was other reasons it didn’t last but then again, that’s another story to tell. So to NOW not have that ONE person who knows you best out of your life, it’s tough.
Relationships for me are hard to look at clearly now. It’s hard to think I can be as close with someone as I was with him. It’s hard to think that I can go on for as long as I did with him with someone else. How I see myself is far different from how everyone else sees me. So I feel like I should be MORE than myself you know?
But, I know I know, it’ll take time.
Basically where I’m going with this whole thing is, are you like me? Do you think.. well, what if I changed this about myself, would he of still been with me? or is THIS me? who am I? was I ever truly MYSELF in my relationship?
This new relationship I’ve kind of rushed into (thought i’d be honest here) has been going fantastic. But i’m not going to lie, I am worried about myself and my insecurity. I trust him immensely. That part I am 100% sure of, which feels really good. It’s a FRESH new start but it is hard to start over with someone you THINK you know but barely do. I’m worried, that’s all.
“What if”.. those are the two most hated words put together right now for me. It has been for a while, I’m hoping to kill that combo in the near future. Well.. if i’m using it negatively at least.
Let’s just hope it’s sooner than later.
x late night thoughts